5 Years Later.
What a difference 5 years makes. Would have thought that in that time I’d have quit my band, failed to get promotion and developed a massive belly? Good job I have a sense of humour.
I was in the bathroom, getting ready to brush my teeth. Had a dentist appointment scheduled 15 minutes later and, y’know, it’s just rude not to brush ’em before you go.
Anyway, for the last 2 months I had heard this scrabbling behind the walls and, well, I couldn’t quite place it. The missus said it was just the cat in the eaves and I took her word for it. I hadn’t considered it to be the clone because, 2 years before I had noticed he had disappeared.
Now, you might wonder why I didn’t bother to investigate his disappearance especially since, with him essentially being me, he could possibly end up getting me into bother out in the world. I mean, “I warn’t me, guv. T’wer me clone what did the deed” doesn’t really hold water as an excuse/alibi/whatever.
The real reason I never bothered to track him was just because I forgot. I was getting prepared to go on a night hunt, I had my Death Bag all ready to go and everything but we had come into a bit of money and the missus wanted a little “just the two of us” holiday. So my murderous hunt plan went out the window. When I got back from hols I was too knackered what with all the sex my and the missus had 😉
Oh, alright, we didn’t have all that much sex, maybe once or twice 😐
Ok, ok. I masturbated…profusely. I’m married, what else am I going to do? 😦
So, I forgot. But it turned out I would have wasted a perfectly well stocked Death Bag in the hunt as the bugger hadn’t escaped. He’d merely pulled a Dufresne, matching all except the poster and the actual escape. Instead he crawled through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness I can’t even imagine and somehow ended up behind the mirror in the bathroom.
I mean what sort of moron manages that? He may have my awesome sexy looks but he don’t got no brians likes a mine own!
So, I’m standing there, checking my sexy ass out in the mirror, getting ready to brush my teeth for the first time in a month (due to the dentist appointment) and, fuck me, if that bastard clone doesn’t pop up in the mirror (mirror image an’ all) and make a grab for my throat.
Quick to act, as per my ninja training, I pulled a Ryeback, and twisted that shit around on him, forcing him to strangle himself with his own hand (I am that good).
I was going to end it, right there and then. Kind of what I should’ve done after the I took that first photo. But, something in his eyes said “No!”.
It was a talking woodlouse. Somehow it got trapped under Malclones eyelid. It’s sweet words stayed my hand and I dragged the clone through. I decided, then and there, to keep him alive as I had another photograph to take. One that would win me my fortune and get my plans for world domination back on track.
A competition to advertise Dark Bunny Tees*…
[Malc and Malclone will return in “The Clone Saga – Why Can’t I Quit You?” – coming soon]