The Clone Saga: Rage-ahol!

May, 2010.

5 Years Later.

What a difference 5 years makes. Would have thought that in that time I’d have quit my band, failed to get promotion and developed a massive belly? Good job I have a sense of humour.

I was in the bathroom, getting ready to brush my teeth. Had a dentist appointment scheduled 15 minutes later and, y’know, it’s just rude not to brush ’em before you go.

Anyway, for the last 2 months I had heard this scrabbling behind the walls and, well, I couldn’t quite place it. The missus said it was just the cat in the eaves and I took her word for it. I hadn’t considered it to be the clone because, 2 years before I had noticed he had disappeared.

Now, you might wonder why I didn’t bother to investigate his disappearance especially since, with him essentially being me, he could possibly end up getting me into bother out in the world. I mean, “I warn’t me, guv. T’wer me clone what did the deed” doesn’t really hold water as an excuse/alibi/whatever.

The real reason I never bothered to track him was just because I forgot. I was getting prepared to go on a night hunt, I had my Death Bag all ready to go and everything but we had come into a bit of money and the missus wanted a little “just the two of us” holiday. So my murderous hunt plan went out the window. When I got back from hols I was too knackered what with all the sex my and the missus had 😉

Oh, alright, we didn’t have all that much sex, maybe once or twice 😐

Ok, ok. I masturbated…profusely. I’m married, what else am I going to do? 😦

So, I forgot. But it turned out I would have wasted a perfectly well stocked Death Bag in the hunt as the bugger hadn’t escaped. He’d merely pulled a Dufresne, matching all except the poster and the actual escape. Instead he crawled through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness I can’t even imagine and somehow ended up behind the mirror in the bathroom.

Shit swallow

Andy Dufrense. Y'know how when you go swimming you swallow a lot of water....

I mean what sort of moron manages that? He may have my awesome sexy looks but he don’t got no brians likes a mine own!

So, I’m standing there, checking my sexy ass out in the mirror, getting ready to brush my teeth for the first time in a month (due to the dentist appointment) and, fuck me, if that bastard clone doesn’t pop up in the mirror (mirror image an’ all) and make a grab for my throat.

Copious amounts of digging and shit crawling had resulted in Malclone developing decidedly short shoulders. Stupid clone.

Quick to act, as per my ninja training, I pulled a Ryeback, and twisted that shit around on him, forcing him to strangle himself with his own hand (I am that good).

Casey Ryback. Will kick your arse, especially if you draw attention to his fucked up face. Ha ha ha, check it out (don't kill me Mr. Seagull)

I was going to end it, right there and then. Kind of what I should’ve done after the I took that first photo. But, something in his eyes said “No!”.

It was a talking woodlouse. Somehow it got trapped under Malclones eyelid. It’s sweet words stayed my hand and I dragged the clone through. I decided, then and there, to keep him alive as I had another photograph to take. One that would win me my fortune and get my plans for world domination back on track.

A competition to advertise Dark Bunny Tees*…

Malc

.

.

*Darkbunnytees.com

[Malc and Malclone will return in “The Clone Saga – Why Can’t I Quit You?” – coming soon]

Advertisements

2 responses to “The Clone Saga: Rage-ahol!

  1. ha ha pull a ryeback.. going to use that one next week…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s