Category Archives: Kids

The White Stuff

The white stuff.

Bet your thinking “another post about clone sex/auto-fellatio/great arcing ropes of jism/etc” aren’t you?

Ah, memories!

Well, I hate to disappoint but, just for a change, I’m talking about the other white stuff…

That’s right cocai- No, not fucking cocaine. Who said that?

Snow, I’m talking about snow. Good old-fashioned glistening, wet and white snow (does sound sexy when I put it like that doesn’t it?), and what a bunch of it we’ve had.

It’s crazy though. I’m sure I’m not the only sad case blogging about it, but what the fuck is up with the council? Fucking, once a fucking year it’s like this..if that! Once a fucking year the place comes to a standstill and folk hit the panic button.*

We’ve had a healthy dose of snow over the last few days but cars are still driving, the sun is still rising (allegedly) but folks just can’t handle it. A few towns over from me they’ve run out of milk and bread.

The entire town!

No milk!

No bread!

“It’s the apocalypse!” Fucking morons – and that’s offensive to morons**

Mushroom cloud

A mushroom snow cloud. Signalling the End of Days (if you live in Cowdenbeath)

Anyway, enough bitching. This post is about photos.

SNOW! Good God y’all. What’s it any good for? Going fucking sledging!

Yes, sledging. Awesome fun. You are never too old, unless your 90 (and dying painfully of hypothermia, scrabbling around on all fours, like a dog, looking for a hole to crawl into and expire).

Took the boys down the park on the first day of the snow (Sunday the 28th November for my bit of the world) for an epic sledging adventure.

As expected though, the snow was threadbare like a badly laid carpet covered in the BFG’s dandruff.

What's left of his hair is supposed to be black. Fuckin' manky all that dandruff. Have a wash you big bastard.

Still, the boys had a laugh and I took a dose of photos.

What a Face!

"To winter's chilly touch doth golden autumn yield"

Surfin' the Snow

We only lasted about an hour as it was baltic and the boys were a bit too wet to be hanging about in the freezing cold.

As I was wrangling them up Charlie says to me

“Dad, can I go through your legs?”

“Aye, sure son.”

“Cool.” he says with a mischievous little laugh that I took for excitement more than anything else.

So up the skate ramp he goes (for that, dear friends, is the death trap we were using to get the most speed and exhilaration – as I said before:  carpet/dandruff/BFG/threadbare) and gets ready. I, meanwhile, pass the camera to Jamie’s pal and tell him to take a photo of Charlie motoring on through between my open legs in his sled.

Moments later he is building to warp speed, down the ramp, heading straight for me and the gap between my legs.

Closer.

Closer.

Time seems to slow down as the sled and Charlie, giggling like a schoolgirl, hurtle towards me. I prepare myself to guide him through so that no injury occurs. The nose of his sled crosses the threshold betwixt my stems of ambulation and then…

CRUNCH! A tiny fist. right in the fucking bullets!

Right in the Bullets

Little fucker!

Telling you I’d have ripped him a new one if I hadn’t been laugh-weeping at his audacity and forward planning.

Nicely played, son. Nicely played.

Malc

*Well all apart from the one guy I saw out cleaning the snow of his and his neighbours (plural) cars at 07:50 this morning. He was dressed for it wearing a woollen tammy on his head along with a brown cosy looking dressing gown, green wellies and pink marigolds. Not a fucking joke either – wish I had had my camera with me.

**I wanted to use the word retard here but I felt that that was too…too…retro. Yes, too retro.

Photos by the Boy

Just posted a couple of photos to flickr.

Here is original jpg from the panorama I took of my LSD bathroom:

Magic Eye Wallpaper (Pano)

Arrrgh, my eyes!

Crazy fucked up that is.

But these two Lego Star Wars numbers were taken by the wee boy (though I did the processing).

He was on about taking some photos for ages and then went and got the DSLR. He wouldn’t let me set up a stage though so took the photos while playing with the toys. Still, they look not bad at all.

Chopped

I chopped 'is little fackin' 'ead orf

and

No, no, no, no! How do I turn this thing off?!?!

No, no, no! How do I turn this thing off?!?!
First TK422, then those poor droids and now...now...Woody! Nooooooooo!

Nice to encourage them and get them into photography (as long as he doesn’t start to outshine me!)

Malc

Lego! No, Seriously. Let Go, I’m Not Forking Out That Much!

Birthday day!

The wee lad (previously seen riding his bike unaided for the first time) turned 7 today and chief among his “wants” and “gimmies” was Star Wars Lego sets.

Over a period of approximately 2/3 months I have successfully turned my boy into a Star Wars geek. Through exposure to Lego Star Wars on the Wii (the story mode of which he completed by himself) and the 6 films he’s become a firm fan. So much so that at any opportunity to watch a film it’s a Star Wars flick. Return is his favourite – I think he may have watched that one more times than I have!

Also introduced him to Lord of the Rings films, all three over the course of one weekend. Then later it was new Trek and quickly thereafter Terminator: Salivation. Before anyone starts, I can’t show him Terminator as it’s a bit much for a 6, I mean, 7 year-old and I don’t currently have a copy of Terminator 2: Judgement Day. As for number 3… “talk to the hand”

"I need your clothes, your boots, and you motorzykle" " Get to the choppaa!" "Let off some steam, Bennett!" I could go on...

Trying my best to get him on the geek side of the Force, just like his old man, and it seems to be working.

The eldest on the other hand, he’s too cool for school. I despair in my attempts to geekify him. Can only expose him to movies once as after he has seen them once he states he has no interest in viewing them again at a later date (though I suspect he’ll have his own wee selections of exceptions).

Took him to see Scott Pilgrim… and, though he liked it, I could tell there wasn’t the geekgasm that most of the films audience had. Still, at least is he’s “too cool for school” it means he’s not a knob and that, people, is a result for me.

But, like a Chlorophobic Green Keeper, I digress*.

Star Wars lego was the point of this post.

So, the wee boy wants what he wants and in particular, this year for his birthday, he wanted Emperor Palpatine’s Shuttle. Now, we were not going to get it for him due to having bought him other stuff but since he got a bunch of money he has bought it himself for £60.

Sixty-fucking-quid!

Don’t get me wrong – it’s a very nice piece of kit (though as of this post, building has not commenced) with cool little minifigures, But £60. Seems as though tacking Star Wars on the box gives the price a good hike. I guess thats the way of it and to be fair, Lego stuff gets a fair old use in my house.

When we got back from the shops with the set I became intrigued about the price hike of other branded lego and fired up the Google.

I thought £60 was bad but there are much bigger and much more expensive kits out there – £280 for lego Death Star! Fuckin’ peach of a toy with loads of character minifigures but at a premium.

That all made sense, big sets, lots of bricks and minifigures…fair do’s. I suppose.

But then I got into searching for loose minifigures.

You know like maybe buying in a good few Stormtroopers or something. Maybe to do something like this:

"Infiltration" by Chris McViegh (click the photo to see this and his other work)

To be honest, I wasn’t that bothered by the high prices of the sets. Hours of fun, longevitiy in lifespan of product, it’s fucking Star Wars! etc. When I saw the price of some of these fucking loose minifigures, however, I was appalled.

Not so much at the audacity of the sellers but at the brainlessness of the folk who would buy the things.

I mean, look at this…

Jango Fett - £99.95! Doesn't even have a fucking visor in his helmet!

not even bagged mind, 2nd hand from a lego set that you could buy for £85 and it’s on “sale” for £99.95…on it’s own. A 4cm plastic figure, not boxed (so any “mint condition” tag is ropey at best) for about £15 more than that very same figure in a full lego set that you can build up and is boxed so if you don’t open it it stays “mint” forever.

Is it just me that doesn’t see how folk can justify buying the single figure over the full kit?

Same with Boba Fett (I’m sure I saw one advertised at $1000 but couldn’t find it again):

Boba Fett. Who'd have thought it'd cost so much to aquire a bounty hunter? Wonder what the minifigure of "Dog" goes for?

Loose minifigure at £89.95 is about £11 more expensive than the full lego set with the character in it.

I think what gets me about it is this, this is where Star Wars geeks/fanboys get a bad name. You know what I mean, the sad types that sit in there homes with shelves upon shelves of unopened toys, models, etc. Saving up any spare cash from their PC helpline jobs to buy another toy etc that wont be used for the reason it was created, wont be played with…

Do I have to get all Toy Story 3 up in here? Well, do I?

On the other hand, maybe I’m being too precious with the term geek. Maybe I just want to keep the term, as it applies to me, on the cool side of the social divide when, in all likelihood, I am probably just deceiving myself and possibly setting up the wee lad for ritual humiliation regarding love of Star Wars later in his life.

Maybe the eldest has the right idea and it’s time I got “too cool for school” aswell.

Well, if that be the decision I think I’ll start by buying this:

Check that badboy out. If I wore this no-one would fuck with me. No-one!

Now that fucker is awesome, there is no one cooler than the Fett and having a lego Boba Fett outfit would make me the coolest dude in the hood.

Er, I’ve run out of things to say on this topic, I feel like this is the moment in the post where the AT-AT Walker, in a comedy call back to a previous Family Guy episode, falls over and hurts its knee, grabbing at the injury to numb the pain and saying “Aaah” multiple times and lasting way longer than is funny but yet you still laugh…

(and what the fuck is up with that video title? “Robot Camel”??)

Malc

——-

Oh, I almost forgot. The wee lad had a few friends round after his party on Sunday. One of them was talking about his forthcoming party, a fancy dress effort. He stated how he had a full Stormtrooper outfit to wear and I went…wait for it…

“Aren’t you a little short for a Storm Trooper?”

Not one iota of recognition from the boy or his mum or my missus. Not one.

I felt wholly unsatisfied at that moment and, in the end, had to high five myself!

FML

——-

*apologies, that just may have been too obtuse a simile but it did make me snigger a bit – leave a comment if you need me to elaborate.

Wheel, Wheel. He Finally Did It!

A different kind of post today.

After almost an entire year of having his bike the wee lad, finally, has learned to go it without stabilisers.

He’s only “ridden” the thing about 3 times since we bought it last year. Turned out, even after trying him on it at the store, the thing was a bit too big and heavy for him to manage.

Being highly adept at turning my hand to new skills and not fearing anything, except “…not being there!”, I figured he’d be like me and just sit on it and go.

Da  Bodyguard

Costner "being there" to save Whitney from the animal fists of Bobby-to-the-Brown. Pity he wasn't there to save her from skanking out on the junk. Still 1 out of 2 isn't bad.

Alas, it was not to be.

Bought stabilisers for it and took him out. Boy was terrified! Would cycle no more than, say 1 mph, and swaying horrendously to one side only to over-compensate and bounce to the other side with a wail of terror.

Today, though, we decided to take him down the park for one last attempt before just selling the bike to Big Mike – an Oopma Loompa we know that lives down the road from us – and be done with it.

Lo and behold, 2 exhausting hours later (well, exhausting for me anyway as the missus just sat under a tree playing Scrabble on her DS Lite while I kept up a steady run behind the bike, lying to the boy saying: “Yes, I’m still holding on,” *puff, pant* “just keep pedalling!”) he doth cycle.

Result.

And all it took was a promise of a new toy if he did the deed.

So, I may be £12 out of pocket but at least I can walk down the street, head held high. No more embarrassed excuse making when folks with kids 3 years younger than mine say “Sorry? He can’t ride a bike?” and stifle a laugh.

Fuck you people like I just described in the above paragraph which preceded this sentence. Fuck you.

Yeah, fucking Horatio has my back!

Malc