Mien Eyes, Ze Goggles…Zey Do Nothing!

Right.

So, I moved house last month.

After 7 years, in our 2 storey end-terraced 1st floor flat with our two boys, me and the missus took the step up to a bigger and better abode.

We now live in a 2 storey semi-detached house with it’s own garden and everything.

Moving day was a hoot.

I hired a Luton van and roped in my three pals:-

stooges

I can't tell from the meter whether the tank is half full or half empty@

The Woodpecker*, The Pirate**and Wildman***(poker names I hasten to add not those they were given at birth – though I’d love to meet the parents that name their child “The Pirate”).

It took us a good few hours and a number of trips in the van to get fully moved and by the end of it my buddies were fucked…with a capital…

It was pretty funny to watch.

How The Pirate‘s skin started to sallow and he faltered on his feet once or twice. I almost reached the stage with him that I was ready to break out the pool cues and slap some Queen on the radio.

How The Woodpecker went from eager, burly and jovial to slow, recalcitrant and near-grief stricken and so tired he went to sleep about 20 minutes after finishing (the biggest pussy).

How Wildman… Actually, he was the best of them, strong to the finish and keen to help out more.

It was my fault really, well not all my fault but mostly.

I have this thing, you see, where, when I am working, I have a need to just “get the job done”. I don’t like to stop when I’m into the task at hand, it makes me extremely reluctant to carry on again after stopping.

In my view, when I’m stopped, I’m stopped. Full Stop.

So, I pushed and I pushed and we got the job done in less hours than it should’ve taken with only a 20 minute break for the lads to get a bite to eat (I ate while continuing to work).

Anyway, the job was done and my slave-driving resulted in my poker name being changed from Bungie to The Cunt. Well, that’s what they were calling me at the end – I presume it’s my new poker name.

duckhunt1.jpg

C'mon, you can work this one out.

So, the house. The house is good ‘un.

Very big inside and needs a great deal of work, some of which has been carried out but still more to go…and I am one lazy bastard so it will take a while.

The old woman who vacated the premises, though, had very peculiar tastes indeed.

For example, I now lovingly refer to the house as “The House of A Million Hooks” as, and I’m not kidding. There are fucking hooks EV-AR-EE-WHERE.

Picture hooks, coat hooks, key hooks, Cap’n Hooks, the lot. There is even a hook on the underside of the top stair of the staircase! I mean…WTF? You can’t even reach it.

And the pièce de résistance…?

This “marvel”:

Click it to get a little virtual tour. Go on, you know you want to and I did put the effort in to get it at eye height if I was on the toilet.

It’s like a fucking magic eye picture.

Not kidding, every time I go to the bathroom I feel like I’m going to have a stroke (and to be honest most of the time I do but I was referring to the debilitating kind to start with not the “good” kind).

Still, I suppose it adds, ahem, character.

Malc

*The Woodpecker. Stevie. He used to be one of my band minions now he just cheats at poker.

**The Pirate. Mark. Introduced the rest of us to the work of the Junior Bros: Robert Downey and Cuba Gooding. It’s almost genius in it’s craziness.

***Wildman. Stuart. Mark’s brother and fat man in a not so fat man’s body. Fucker eats like he’s pregnant (with twins like the Junior Bros.)

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Return of the Japs Eye*

At last! At last!

I have returned to the land of computers.

After a month and a bit sans processing power and the ability to “do my photies” I have successfully acquired a suitable user input device to allow me to surf the Webs of Inter and type shite like this.

2 days prior to Hallowe’en I got myself a MacBook Pro 13″ and it’s fucking quality.

Um, excuse me. Your insides are showing

I’d never had a Mac before. I had used one a few times and even tried hackintosh on my pc but, after playing around with it, found it had no real advantage over my Windows set up with all my apps installed.

However, I was keen to get one this time and so I did. I thought that I might end up putting Windows 7 on it and using it as a Windows laptop but, in the end, the reverse of the previous paragraph occurred. I put Win7 on, used it for a little bit and found it provided no real advantage to my new OS X with all my apps installed.

Weird, eh? Well maybe not.

So, I’m back in the land of couch-lock**, bad posture and RSI.

Huzzah!

With no excuse to stop me taking photographs now I plan to get back on the case. I’ve already taken one image this past week, of a certain room within my new house, but more of that in a later post.

For now, I’ve transferred photos that were stuck in my cameras SD card and processed but one. It’s just a quick shot of the boy in the bath, cropped and textured for atmosphere.

Wash (click through for Flickr)

Well aware, I am, that funny this blog post is not but, as a wise man once said to me:

“Can you make a candle out of your own earwax?”

Well, can you? Exactly.

Malc


*Aye, aye. I know. There is no real reason to have such a title as it has no relevance to the text. I just wanted a funny Star Wars related title…and that was the best I could come up with at short notice.

It was either the above or “Episode 4: A New Hip” which makes even less sense.

 

**well not really couch-lock as many understand it but, rather, being sat on the couch not moving much, for hours, looking at a screen and remaining as uncommunicative as a corpse. You know what I’m on about.

Slight Return

Well, it’s been a while since I was last here. Don’t know why really, just busy with other things. Other things, I may add, which have been quite mundane – don’t think I’ve got a single funny story!

Or do I…….?

Nope, I don’t.

I suppose I could reveal some snippets of information in bullet point kind of form, in order to get me back into the swing of writing shit down on this ‘ere blog.

Let me see.

1. I had a vasectomy towards the end of August!

Got to tell you it’s the easiest thing in the world. The biggest problem came when the surgeon, in a huff, had to phone 4 or 5 other nurses on their days off to come in and help manoeuvre my massive cock out of the way so he could work. I made a big deal of apologising but insisted that there was a danger of death by fox if I didn’t bring him along.

Other than that, it was a fucking breeze.

I even got to watch the operation. He cut a little hole in my nutsack and pulled through the Vas Deferns tube. With a flick of his wrist he sliced a bit of tube out with his scalpel. Easy-peasy. The bit he cut out looked a bit like the just cooked Cheesy Pasta (before you add the powdered sauce mix)- I forgot to ask to keep it.

Cheesey Pasta

A box filled with the discarded snippets of Vas Deferns of a million men. All for 79p with cheesey sauce powder thrown in for free.

The only other interesting bit about the operation is getting told to spunk in a cup after 16 weeks and the murder of 24 salvos of innocent babies. I waited just 11 hours to “batter” off the first salvo (really like that term: salvo. It’s got a real ring to it).

Little bruising, no pain, a little discomfort in bending down for about 4 days and that’s fucking it. Like i said, easiest thing I’ve ever done – you “blokes” who are afraid or say it’s painful…yer all fuckin’ pussies.

Pussies

Take your pick you so called

Actually, that’s another thing – why call it the “snip” when I clearly saw the surgeon perform a “slicing” move? I decree that heretoforthwiththereafter that the common name for a vasectomy shall be “The Slice”.

What else?

Oh, yeah.

2. Turned my Clone Saga epic into a little book (buy here if interested).

The cover of the most awesome book ever printed.

and a view of the inside of the most awesome book ever printed.

As Steve Jobs would say “It’s pretty cool”.

3. Received training in Disaster Victim Identification (DVI).

Apparently high fiving a fragmented corpse is a no-no and they suggest that I cease doing the same with “normal” corpses. Whut-eva.

Me giving a cadaver a high five.
(not really you crazy bastards, I'd get the sack publishing such a photo)

And,

4. I made a new bit of art.

This is actually an early version - couldn

Not my usual style but I likes it a lot. Even use it as my iPhone wallpaper. It’s called “Impelial Japonhees Navy” – yes, yes I know “casually racist” but since there is no IJN anymore I think I can get away with it.

I made it after making this picture of Isoroku Yamamoto:

Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto - strong with the Force is he.

to use as my avatar on twitter after I had been overcome by the Force Ghost of the man. He’s since left my mortal coil and I am back to {Banzaaaiiii!!} normal.*

Think that’s about it, really. Pretty poor couple of weeks, eh?

I have an input to give to a bunch of pro & amateur photographers in November so I am going to make an effort to go out and do more photo stuff myself. I will, of course, reflect these ventures in this ‘ere blog. Probably.

Now, I’m off to complete salvo #32 towards eventual sterility. I know it’s only 24 that are needed but I like the practice.

Malc

One, more thing (also something Steve Jobs would say). My laptop has died. It’s been sputtering along on it’s last legs for about a year and a half. I’ve had to open it up on a few occasions and replaced dead parts with bits scavenged from other machines (I’m actually shocked it worked at all after that) but now it is finally dead.

This makes me very sad. Very sad indeed. Specially since I have not the funds to buy a new one. So, any updates to my blog will come from my iPhone or the wifes netbook. However, should you wish to assist with funds to replace my dead laptop with a new MacBook Pro (just the 13″ screen will do) please contact me via the comments box and I’ll get back to you with details on where to send your cheque. Thanks.

Malc

*Don’t ask, if you don’t follow me in twitter then you missed all the fun.

1 Sale Down, Four Hundred and Ninety Seven Thousand Nine Hundred and Twenty Eight To Go

Yes, yes I could have just written 497,928 in the title but where is the fun in that. Plus, it goes a long way to proving I can spell the above numbers (though Sxi still defeats me).

So, I sold my first t-shirt. Well, actually www.redbubble.com sold a t-shirt with one of my designs on it for the first time.

That’s me well on the way to fame and fortune! YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS! Ahem.

Turns out that the purchase was made in A$. That’s dollars from Austrailiamate! Other side of the fucking world, get in.

What was the design you say? Ah, a classic piece of artwork depicting a stick man (from signage fame) giving himself a blow job. It’s called “Bawsdeep” which is short for the original title I gave it when creating it:- “Baws Deep In My Ane Moof”* or “BDIMAM” for very short.

So awesome it barely even needs a caption.

There are actually two versions of – Yes, a blow job, you did read that correctly.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Two versions. One with jrizzle (my own word combining “jizz” and “drizzle”) showing and one without and this fabulous persons (I assume it was a male) will shortly be walking along some antipodean street proudly displaying a jrizzle free version.

So, I’m hoping that will get the ball rolling (directly into the mouth, ha ha) and folk will buy more shirts to give me some cash. But, alas, I fear this will not be the case.

At any rate, I’m going to try and keep putting up new stuff. Photos will follow soon (for buying prints – the original purpose of starting this blog!) and probably more t-shirt designs when I re-learn how to use Adobe Illustrator.

When I do re-learn Illustrator I’m going to try and do this in line art stylee (photo is too low res for anything other than 4×6″ prints):

Paints & Thinners (Get it? Saints & Sinners but if they worked for B&Q)

I also, possibly, might, maybe, could even augment the Bawsdeep image:

I know I am.

or perhaps this should be the final version:

There is always room for Star Wars references - I wonder Jedi could Force Chug?

Alright, alright, enough filthy talk.

Have a look at the other stuff I’ve uploaded for sale on RedBubble.

I’m off to limber up 😉

Malc

*Baws= Balls. Ane=Own. Moof=Mouth. Obviously.

Commence Commerce

Believe it or not I actually started this blog in order to punt photos or other things that I have made. Not to make my fortune you understand but if folks are willing part with their money for my stuff then gimmie, gimmie, gimmie.

So, I decided on Redbubble.com. There were a few choice but I thought that one looked the best. Currently it’s pay for the print/t-shirt/etc as priced by Redbubble with me getting a very small amount from the sale. I could have pumped up my profits to 50% of sale but that just makes things far too expensive and it’s like you are paying for it twice so I knocked it right down (and some things will probably have no profit on them – dependant on content).

Anyway, to finish this small, hardly funny, post I shall provide the link to my portion of Redbubble.

http://www.redbubble.com/people/maclac

Not much on it at the moment, just a few t-shirt designs, I’ll add more as I view them worthy of selling.

Cheers

Malc

“You Can Go About Your Business…Move Along”

In addition to last nights rant on Star Wars branded lego here is a film still style photo of Luke, Old Ben Kenobi, C3P0 and R2-D2 attempting to befuddle a Sandtrooper and his little flying camera friend.

Think I'd like to see a gangsta reboot of the Star Wars saga:
"Wassup, ma Nigga? Na, man, these ain't no droids da muthafuckin Empire be axing bout!"
or
"Am about a bust a cap in yo weak-ass mind wit tricked out Jedi powers, fool" *

Info for geeks:

Nikon D40.
35mm
f6.3
1/6 second
Little process in Photoshop to make the grainy film look.

Malc

*casual racism aside I think a gangsta parody, shot scene-for-scene might be quite humorous.

Lego! No, Seriously. Let Go, I’m Not Forking Out That Much!

Birthday day!

The wee lad (previously seen riding his bike unaided for the first time) turned 7 today and chief among his “wants” and “gimmies” was Star Wars Lego sets.

Over a period of approximately 2/3 months I have successfully turned my boy into a Star Wars geek. Through exposure to Lego Star Wars on the Wii (the story mode of which he completed by himself) and the 6 films he’s become a firm fan. So much so that at any opportunity to watch a film it’s a Star Wars flick. Return is his favourite – I think he may have watched that one more times than I have!

Also introduced him to Lord of the Rings films, all three over the course of one weekend. Then later it was new Trek and quickly thereafter Terminator: Salivation. Before anyone starts, I can’t show him Terminator as it’s a bit much for a 6, I mean, 7 year-old and I don’t currently have a copy of Terminator 2: Judgement Day. As for number 3… “talk to the hand”

"I need your clothes, your boots, and you motorzykle" " Get to the choppaa!" "Let off some steam, Bennett!" I could go on...

Trying my best to get him on the geek side of the Force, just like his old man, and it seems to be working.

The eldest on the other hand, he’s too cool for school. I despair in my attempts to geekify him. Can only expose him to movies once as after he has seen them once he states he has no interest in viewing them again at a later date (though I suspect he’ll have his own wee selections of exceptions).

Took him to see Scott Pilgrim… and, though he liked it, I could tell there wasn’t the geekgasm that most of the films audience had. Still, at least is he’s “too cool for school” it means he’s not a knob and that, people, is a result for me.

But, like a Chlorophobic Green Keeper, I digress*.

Star Wars lego was the point of this post.

So, the wee boy wants what he wants and in particular, this year for his birthday, he wanted Emperor Palpatine’s Shuttle. Now, we were not going to get it for him due to having bought him other stuff but since he got a bunch of money he has bought it himself for £60.

Sixty-fucking-quid!

Don’t get me wrong – it’s a very nice piece of kit (though as of this post, building has not commenced) with cool little minifigures, But £60. Seems as though tacking Star Wars on the box gives the price a good hike. I guess thats the way of it and to be fair, Lego stuff gets a fair old use in my house.

When we got back from the shops with the set I became intrigued about the price hike of other branded lego and fired up the Google.

I thought £60 was bad but there are much bigger and much more expensive kits out there – £280 for lego Death Star! Fuckin’ peach of a toy with loads of character minifigures but at a premium.

That all made sense, big sets, lots of bricks and minifigures…fair do’s. I suppose.

But then I got into searching for loose minifigures.

You know like maybe buying in a good few Stormtroopers or something. Maybe to do something like this:

"Infiltration" by Chris McViegh (click the photo to see this and his other work)

To be honest, I wasn’t that bothered by the high prices of the sets. Hours of fun, longevitiy in lifespan of product, it’s fucking Star Wars! etc. When I saw the price of some of these fucking loose minifigures, however, I was appalled.

Not so much at the audacity of the sellers but at the brainlessness of the folk who would buy the things.

I mean, look at this…

Jango Fett - £99.95! Doesn't even have a fucking visor in his helmet!

not even bagged mind, 2nd hand from a lego set that you could buy for £85 and it’s on “sale” for £99.95…on it’s own. A 4cm plastic figure, not boxed (so any “mint condition” tag is ropey at best) for about £15 more than that very same figure in a full lego set that you can build up and is boxed so if you don’t open it it stays “mint” forever.

Is it just me that doesn’t see how folk can justify buying the single figure over the full kit?

Same with Boba Fett (I’m sure I saw one advertised at $1000 but couldn’t find it again):

Boba Fett. Who'd have thought it'd cost so much to aquire a bounty hunter? Wonder what the minifigure of "Dog" goes for?

Loose minifigure at £89.95 is about £11 more expensive than the full lego set with the character in it.

I think what gets me about it is this, this is where Star Wars geeks/fanboys get a bad name. You know what I mean, the sad types that sit in there homes with shelves upon shelves of unopened toys, models, etc. Saving up any spare cash from their PC helpline jobs to buy another toy etc that wont be used for the reason it was created, wont be played with…

Do I have to get all Toy Story 3 up in here? Well, do I?

On the other hand, maybe I’m being too precious with the term geek. Maybe I just want to keep the term, as it applies to me, on the cool side of the social divide when, in all likelihood, I am probably just deceiving myself and possibly setting up the wee lad for ritual humiliation regarding love of Star Wars later in his life.

Maybe the eldest has the right idea and it’s time I got “too cool for school” aswell.

Well, if that be the decision I think I’ll start by buying this:

Check that badboy out. If I wore this no-one would fuck with me. No-one!

Now that fucker is awesome, there is no one cooler than the Fett and having a lego Boba Fett outfit would make me the coolest dude in the hood.

Er, I’ve run out of things to say on this topic, I feel like this is the moment in the post where the AT-AT Walker, in a comedy call back to a previous Family Guy episode, falls over and hurts its knee, grabbing at the injury to numb the pain and saying “Aaah” multiple times and lasting way longer than is funny but yet you still laugh…

(and what the fuck is up with that video title? “Robot Camel”??)

Malc

——-

Oh, I almost forgot. The wee lad had a few friends round after his party on Sunday. One of them was talking about his forthcoming party, a fancy dress effort. He stated how he had a full Stormtrooper outfit to wear and I went…wait for it…

“Aren’t you a little short for a Storm Trooper?”

Not one iota of recognition from the boy or his mum or my missus. Not one.

I felt wholly unsatisfied at that moment and, in the end, had to high five myself!

FML

——-

*apologies, that just may have been too obtuse a simile but it did make me snigger a bit – leave a comment if you need me to elaborate.