Tag Archives: humor

Ancient Weapons & Bad Puns Are No Match For A Good Blaster At Your Side, Kid!

There is a fair bit of Star Wars referencing going on in my blog.

It’s a it strange too cos I’m not that a huge pedantic fan, though I know a few, but the originals are quality (the prequels too to a much lesser extent).

I guess it’s just one of those things that is easy to apply to all aspects of your life and things that go on. There is always an opportunity to fire off a quote from the film or a hideous pun..

Which brings me to my main point.

Puns.

Star Wars puns.

Sometimes they are great, like this:

"I Find Your Lack of Face Disturbing"
click through to buy a t-shirt with this design

or this:

"I Feel a Disturbance in the Horse"

(both the above by Chris McVeigh)

But then there is my recent pun, which I felt compelled to turn into a “work of art”.

Actually, the reason I came up with this one was that I was looking at the different searches that have lead people to this blog. At first I was seeing completely mental sets of search terms, for example:

So, physics students and perverts are my core audience?

and

"carbonite is forever" - Imagine what kind of a James Bond film that would've been?

not forgetting the classic

That's fuckin' deviance right there, that is!

But it was the 1st of December when I looked at the search terms and saw this:

"Lego Boa Boa Fett"

and I was in fucking stitches.

“Boa Boa Fett”? BOA fucking BOA? Ha ha. I thought that was brilliant.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it that whole day and eventually decided that I would attempt to create something based on that search term as a t-shirt design to punt on Redbubble.

Naturally I dropped the superfluous second “Boa” (who wouldn’t, right?) and was then left with “Boa Fett” which I thought was fairly humorous at the time but since have figured it to be a really poor example of a Star Wars* pun .

Still, bad pun or not, I started my creation.

It wasn’t long til I came upon my first problem… I’m a shitty drawer (I’m sure I’ve alluded to that previously in this ‘ere blog). However, a bit of persistence and I was off an running.

I had envisioned this dramatic full frame piece featuring the scaly, glistening face of a Boa Constrictor decaled out to look like Boba Fett’s helmet. Alas, my skills have yet to reach such proficiency and the end result was something much different.**

That said, it’s not “bad” different, just different different. Kind of like when they changed Jennifer, Marty’s girlfriend, in Back to the Future from Claudia Wells in part 1 to Elizabeth Shue in the following adventures

They are both decent birds but Shue wins cos she got the tits out in Leaving Las Vegas

and not at all like when Darth Lucas changed the Force Ghost of Anakin Skywalker from Sebastian “Yooo werrr riiiiiiiightt” Shaw to Hayden “Sandhater” Christensen.

C'mon, Lucas. You don't even have him looking in the right fuckin' direction.

So, I’ve finished my “design”. Not as good as I hoped but I’m happy enough.

I’ve made four versions but the only alterations are text additions. Click the pics to see the designs in different t-shirt colours (and buy in bulk for that added discount).

The Baddest Bounty Hunter in the Jungle/Galaxy

Boa Fett!

Yo, dawg! I put a pun in your pun so you can pun while you're punning!

Calssic Mandalorian script. What d'you mean you "can't read it"?

Leave a comment if you have opinions on them (those 5 of you that are reading my blog).

Cheers

Malc
(actually I am a huge pedantic fan – just ignore that introduction above)

*I don’t really know why I’ve italicised all the movie titles but left things like “Boba Fett”*** as standard?

**Anyone who does have the skills though, feel free to attempt a more dramatic, cooler, version of “Boa Fett”.

***Ha ha, I actually typed “Bobo Fett” as I was writing that line. Fuckin’ “Bobo”! Ha ha, can see it now, a little Bonobo chimp wearing Fett’s helmet, wanking like he’s about to die! Quality, and I think it’s evolved to being called “Bonobo Fett”. I think that’s next on the list (if I can learn to draw properly).
 

The White Stuff

The white stuff.

Bet your thinking “another post about clone sex/auto-fellatio/great arcing ropes of jism/etc” aren’t you?

Ah, memories!

Well, I hate to disappoint but, just for a change, I’m talking about the other white stuff…

That’s right cocai- No, not fucking cocaine. Who said that?

Snow, I’m talking about snow. Good old-fashioned glistening, wet and white snow (does sound sexy when I put it like that doesn’t it?), and what a bunch of it we’ve had.

It’s crazy though. I’m sure I’m not the only sad case blogging about it, but what the fuck is up with the council? Fucking, once a fucking year it’s like this..if that! Once a fucking year the place comes to a standstill and folk hit the panic button.*

We’ve had a healthy dose of snow over the last few days but cars are still driving, the sun is still rising (allegedly) but folks just can’t handle it. A few towns over from me they’ve run out of milk and bread.

The entire town!

No milk!

No bread!

“It’s the apocalypse!” Fucking morons – and that’s offensive to morons**

Mushroom cloud

A mushroom snow cloud. Signalling the End of Days (if you live in Cowdenbeath)

Anyway, enough bitching. This post is about photos.

SNOW! Good God y’all. What’s it any good for? Going fucking sledging!

Yes, sledging. Awesome fun. You are never too old, unless your 90 (and dying painfully of hypothermia, scrabbling around on all fours, like a dog, looking for a hole to crawl into and expire).

Took the boys down the park on the first day of the snow (Sunday the 28th November for my bit of the world) for an epic sledging adventure.

As expected though, the snow was threadbare like a badly laid carpet covered in the BFG’s dandruff.

What's left of his hair is supposed to be black. Fuckin' manky all that dandruff. Have a wash you big bastard.

Still, the boys had a laugh and I took a dose of photos.

What a Face!

"To winter's chilly touch doth golden autumn yield"

Surfin' the Snow

We only lasted about an hour as it was baltic and the boys were a bit too wet to be hanging about in the freezing cold.

As I was wrangling them up Charlie says to me

“Dad, can I go through your legs?”

“Aye, sure son.”

“Cool.” he says with a mischievous little laugh that I took for excitement more than anything else.

So up the skate ramp he goes (for that, dear friends, is the death trap we were using to get the most speed and exhilaration – as I said before:  carpet/dandruff/BFG/threadbare) and gets ready. I, meanwhile, pass the camera to Jamie’s pal and tell him to take a photo of Charlie motoring on through between my open legs in his sled.

Moments later he is building to warp speed, down the ramp, heading straight for me and the gap between my legs.

Closer.

Closer.

Time seems to slow down as the sled and Charlie, giggling like a schoolgirl, hurtle towards me. I prepare myself to guide him through so that no injury occurs. The nose of his sled crosses the threshold betwixt my stems of ambulation and then…

CRUNCH! A tiny fist. right in the fucking bullets!

Right in the Bullets

Little fucker!

Telling you I’d have ripped him a new one if I hadn’t been laugh-weeping at his audacity and forward planning.

Nicely played, son. Nicely played.

Malc

*Well all apart from the one guy I saw out cleaning the snow of his and his neighbours (plural) cars at 07:50 this morning. He was dressed for it wearing a woollen tammy on his head along with a brown cosy looking dressing gown, green wellies and pink marigolds. Not a fucking joke either – wish I had had my camera with me.

**I wanted to use the word retard here but I felt that that was too…too…retro. Yes, too retro.

Photos by the Boy

Just posted a couple of photos to flickr.

Here is original jpg from the panorama I took of my LSD bathroom:

Magic Eye Wallpaper (Pano)

Arrrgh, my eyes!

Crazy fucked up that is.

But these two Lego Star Wars numbers were taken by the wee boy (though I did the processing).

He was on about taking some photos for ages and then went and got the DSLR. He wouldn’t let me set up a stage though so took the photos while playing with the toys. Still, they look not bad at all.

Chopped

I chopped 'is little fackin' 'ead orf

and

No, no, no, no! How do I turn this thing off?!?!

No, no, no! How do I turn this thing off?!?!
First TK422, then those poor droids and now...now...Woody! Nooooooooo!

Nice to encourage them and get them into photography (as long as he doesn’t start to outshine me!)

Malc

From Jingo to…oh, fuck it.

here:

Shut up! I fixed it...alright?

 

Redbubble links:

Fucked up Boba version

and rectified Jango version

I’m away to cry in the corner.

 

Malc

From Jango to Jingo[ism]

UPDATE!! – Right, before the pedants see this…yes I fucked up. “Jango to Jingo” but I used Boba ‘s distinctive red colouring rather than Jango’s less distinctive blue colouring.

I am an erse! I will fix it in another update after work but I think I shall keep the original.
———-

Jango Fett + Jedi Master Sifo Dyas + Kaminoans = Jango Clones

Jango Clones + Training + Accelerated Growth + Trade Disputes = Cannon Fodder Clone Troopers

Clone Troopers + Darth Sidious + Order 66 + non clone recruits = Storm Troopers

Ta da. See my maths is still kick ass.

Anyway….

Made a new “design” that I have uploaded to Redbubble. It features the visors and surround colours of the helmets from Jango Fett, Clone Troopers and Storm Troopers beacuse, as well as being cloned, Jango’s Mandalorian armour was likely the inspiration for the Clone Troopers armour which later evolved into the Stormies armour.

You'd think they'd get more work out of the Troopers if they turned those frowns upside down*

I might be wrong on that point and I await the vilification of fanboy pedants across the globe.

I made the visors sharp but kept the background colours a bit “grungy” – would look better if I had a tablet but I don’t so it doesn’t.

Buy or don’t buy there is no trial.

Malc

*I wonder if anyone has done that before? To google!

Mien Eyes, Ze Goggles…Zey Do Nothing!

Right.

So, I moved house last month.

After 7 years, in our 2 storey end-terraced 1st floor flat with our two boys, me and the missus took the step up to a bigger and better abode.

We now live in a 2 storey semi-detached house with it’s own garden and everything.

Moving day was a hoot.

I hired a Luton van and roped in my three pals:-

stooges

I can't tell from the meter whether the tank is half full or half empty@

The Woodpecker*, The Pirate**and Wildman***(poker names I hasten to add not those they were given at birth – though I’d love to meet the parents that name their child “The Pirate”).

It took us a good few hours and a number of trips in the van to get fully moved and by the end of it my buddies were fucked…with a capital…

It was pretty funny to watch.

How The Pirate‘s skin started to sallow and he faltered on his feet once or twice. I almost reached the stage with him that I was ready to break out the pool cues and slap some Queen on the radio.

How The Woodpecker went from eager, burly and jovial to slow, recalcitrant and near-grief stricken and so tired he went to sleep about 20 minutes after finishing (the biggest pussy).

How Wildman… Actually, he was the best of them, strong to the finish and keen to help out more.

It was my fault really, well not all my fault but mostly.

I have this thing, you see, where, when I am working, I have a need to just “get the job done”. I don’t like to stop when I’m into the task at hand, it makes me extremely reluctant to carry on again after stopping.

In my view, when I’m stopped, I’m stopped. Full Stop.

So, I pushed and I pushed and we got the job done in less hours than it should’ve taken with only a 20 minute break for the lads to get a bite to eat (I ate while continuing to work).

Anyway, the job was done and my slave-driving resulted in my poker name being changed from Bungie to The Cunt. Well, that’s what they were calling me at the end – I presume it’s my new poker name.

duckhunt1.jpg

C'mon, you can work this one out.

So, the house. The house is good ‘un.

Very big inside and needs a great deal of work, some of which has been carried out but still more to go…and I am one lazy bastard so it will take a while.

The old woman who vacated the premises, though, had very peculiar tastes indeed.

For example, I now lovingly refer to the house as “The House of A Million Hooks” as, and I’m not kidding. There are fucking hooks EV-AR-EE-WHERE.

Picture hooks, coat hooks, key hooks, Cap’n Hooks, the lot. There is even a hook on the underside of the top stair of the staircase! I mean…WTF? You can’t even reach it.

And the pièce de résistance…?

This “marvel”:

Click it to get a little virtual tour. Go on, you know you want to and I did put the effort in to get it at eye height if I was on the toilet.

It’s like a fucking magic eye picture.

Not kidding, every time I go to the bathroom I feel like I’m going to have a stroke (and to be honest most of the time I do but I was referring to the debilitating kind to start with not the “good” kind).

Still, I suppose it adds, ahem, character.

Malc

*The Woodpecker. Stevie. He used to be one of my band minions now he just cheats at poker.

**The Pirate. Mark. Introduced the rest of us to the work of the Junior Bros: Robert Downey and Cuba Gooding. It’s almost genius in it’s craziness.

***Wildman. Stuart. Mark’s brother and fat man in a not so fat man’s body. Fucker eats like he’s pregnant (with twins like the Junior Bros.)

Return of the Japs Eye*

At last! At last!

I have returned to the land of computers.

After a month and a bit sans processing power and the ability to “do my photies” I have successfully acquired a suitable user input device to allow me to surf the Webs of Inter and type shite like this.

2 days prior to Hallowe’en I got myself a MacBook Pro 13″ and it’s fucking quality.

Um, excuse me. Your insides are showing

I’d never had a Mac before. I had used one a few times and even tried hackintosh on my pc but, after playing around with it, found it had no real advantage over my Windows set up with all my apps installed.

However, I was keen to get one this time and so I did. I thought that I might end up putting Windows 7 on it and using it as a Windows laptop but, in the end, the reverse of the previous paragraph occurred. I put Win7 on, used it for a little bit and found it provided no real advantage to my new OS X with all my apps installed.

Weird, eh? Well maybe not.

So, I’m back in the land of couch-lock**, bad posture and RSI.

Huzzah!

With no excuse to stop me taking photographs now I plan to get back on the case. I’ve already taken one image this past week, of a certain room within my new house, but more of that in a later post.

For now, I’ve transferred photos that were stuck in my cameras SD card and processed but one. It’s just a quick shot of the boy in the bath, cropped and textured for atmosphere.

Wash (click through for Flickr)

Well aware, I am, that funny this blog post is not but, as a wise man once said to me:

“Can you make a candle out of your own earwax?”

Well, can you? Exactly.

Malc


*Aye, aye. I know. There is no real reason to have such a title as it has no relevance to the text. I just wanted a funny Star Wars related title…and that was the best I could come up with at short notice.

It was either the above or “Episode 4: A New Hip” which makes even less sense.

 

**well not really couch-lock as many understand it but, rather, being sat on the couch not moving much, for hours, looking at a screen and remaining as uncommunicative as a corpse. You know what I’m on about.