Tag Archives: kids

Photos by the Boy

Just posted a couple of photos to flickr.

Here is original jpg from the panorama I took of my LSD bathroom:

Magic Eye Wallpaper (Pano)

Arrrgh, my eyes!

Crazy fucked up that is.

But these two Lego Star Wars numbers were taken by the wee boy (though I did the processing).

He was on about taking some photos for ages and then went and got the DSLR. He wouldn’t let me set up a stage though so took the photos while playing with the toys. Still, they look not bad at all.

Chopped

I chopped 'is little fackin' 'ead orf

and

No, no, no, no! How do I turn this thing off?!?!

No, no, no! How do I turn this thing off?!?!
First TK422, then those poor droids and now...now...Woody! Nooooooooo!

Nice to encourage them and get them into photography (as long as he doesn’t start to outshine me!)

Malc

Slight Return

Well, it’s been a while since I was last here. Don’t know why really, just busy with other things. Other things, I may add, which have been quite mundane – don’t think I’ve got a single funny story!

Or do I…….?

Nope, I don’t.

I suppose I could reveal some snippets of information in bullet point kind of form, in order to get me back into the swing of writing shit down on this ‘ere blog.

Let me see.

1. I had a vasectomy towards the end of August!

Got to tell you it’s the easiest thing in the world. The biggest problem came when the surgeon, in a huff, had to phone 4 or 5 other nurses on their days off to come in and help manoeuvre my massive cock out of the way so he could work. I made a big deal of apologising but insisted that there was a danger of death by fox if I didn’t bring him along.

Other than that, it was a fucking breeze.

I even got to watch the operation. He cut a little hole in my nutsack and pulled through the Vas Deferns tube. With a flick of his wrist he sliced a bit of tube out with his scalpel. Easy-peasy. The bit he cut out looked a bit like the just cooked Cheesy Pasta (before you add the powdered sauce mix)- I forgot to ask to keep it.

Cheesey Pasta

A box filled with the discarded snippets of Vas Deferns of a million men. All for 79p with cheesey sauce powder thrown in for free.

The only other interesting bit about the operation is getting told to spunk in a cup after 16 weeks and the murder of 24 salvos of innocent babies. I waited just 11 hours to “batter” off the first salvo (really like that term: salvo. It’s got a real ring to it).

Little bruising, no pain, a little discomfort in bending down for about 4 days and that’s fucking it. Like i said, easiest thing I’ve ever done – you “blokes” who are afraid or say it’s painful…yer all fuckin’ pussies.

Pussies

Take your pick you so called

Actually, that’s another thing – why call it the “snip” when I clearly saw the surgeon perform a “slicing” move? I decree that heretoforthwiththereafter that the common name for a vasectomy shall be “The Slice”.

What else?

Oh, yeah.

2. Turned my Clone Saga epic into a little book (buy here if interested).

The cover of the most awesome book ever printed.

and a view of the inside of the most awesome book ever printed.

As Steve Jobs would say “It’s pretty cool”.

3. Received training in Disaster Victim Identification (DVI).

Apparently high fiving a fragmented corpse is a no-no and they suggest that I cease doing the same with “normal” corpses. Whut-eva.

Me giving a cadaver a high five.
(not really you crazy bastards, I'd get the sack publishing such a photo)

And,

4. I made a new bit of art.

This is actually an early version - couldn

Not my usual style but I likes it a lot. Even use it as my iPhone wallpaper. It’s called “Impelial Japonhees Navy” – yes, yes I know “casually racist” but since there is no IJN anymore I think I can get away with it.

I made it after making this picture of Isoroku Yamamoto:

Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto - strong with the Force is he.

to use as my avatar on twitter after I had been overcome by the Force Ghost of the man. He’s since left my mortal coil and I am back to {Banzaaaiiii!!} normal.*

Think that’s about it, really. Pretty poor couple of weeks, eh?

I have an input to give to a bunch of pro & amateur photographers in November so I am going to make an effort to go out and do more photo stuff myself. I will, of course, reflect these ventures in this ‘ere blog. Probably.

Now, I’m off to complete salvo #32 towards eventual sterility. I know it’s only 24 that are needed but I like the practice.

Malc

One, more thing (also something Steve Jobs would say). My laptop has died. It’s been sputtering along on it’s last legs for about a year and a half. I’ve had to open it up on a few occasions and replaced dead parts with bits scavenged from other machines (I’m actually shocked it worked at all after that) but now it is finally dead.

This makes me very sad. Very sad indeed. Specially since I have not the funds to buy a new one. So, any updates to my blog will come from my iPhone or the wifes netbook. However, should you wish to assist with funds to replace my dead laptop with a new MacBook Pro (just the 13″ screen will do) please contact me via the comments box and I’ll get back to you with details on where to send your cheque. Thanks.

Malc

*Don’t ask, if you don’t follow me in twitter then you missed all the fun.

Lego! No, Seriously. Let Go, I’m Not Forking Out That Much!

Birthday day!

The wee lad (previously seen riding his bike unaided for the first time) turned 7 today and chief among his “wants” and “gimmies” was Star Wars Lego sets.

Over a period of approximately 2/3 months I have successfully turned my boy into a Star Wars geek. Through exposure to Lego Star Wars on the Wii (the story mode of which he completed by himself) and the 6 films he’s become a firm fan. So much so that at any opportunity to watch a film it’s a Star Wars flick. Return is his favourite – I think he may have watched that one more times than I have!

Also introduced him to Lord of the Rings films, all three over the course of one weekend. Then later it was new Trek and quickly thereafter Terminator: Salivation. Before anyone starts, I can’t show him Terminator as it’s a bit much for a 6, I mean, 7 year-old and I don’t currently have a copy of Terminator 2: Judgement Day. As for number 3… “talk to the hand”

"I need your clothes, your boots, and you motorzykle" " Get to the choppaa!" "Let off some steam, Bennett!" I could go on...

Trying my best to get him on the geek side of the Force, just like his old man, and it seems to be working.

The eldest on the other hand, he’s too cool for school. I despair in my attempts to geekify him. Can only expose him to movies once as after he has seen them once he states he has no interest in viewing them again at a later date (though I suspect he’ll have his own wee selections of exceptions).

Took him to see Scott Pilgrim… and, though he liked it, I could tell there wasn’t the geekgasm that most of the films audience had. Still, at least is he’s “too cool for school” it means he’s not a knob and that, people, is a result for me.

But, like a Chlorophobic Green Keeper, I digress*.

Star Wars lego was the point of this post.

So, the wee boy wants what he wants and in particular, this year for his birthday, he wanted Emperor Palpatine’s Shuttle. Now, we were not going to get it for him due to having bought him other stuff but since he got a bunch of money he has bought it himself for £60.

Sixty-fucking-quid!

Don’t get me wrong – it’s a very nice piece of kit (though as of this post, building has not commenced) with cool little minifigures, But £60. Seems as though tacking Star Wars on the box gives the price a good hike. I guess thats the way of it and to be fair, Lego stuff gets a fair old use in my house.

When we got back from the shops with the set I became intrigued about the price hike of other branded lego and fired up the Google.

I thought £60 was bad but there are much bigger and much more expensive kits out there – £280 for lego Death Star! Fuckin’ peach of a toy with loads of character minifigures but at a premium.

That all made sense, big sets, lots of bricks and minifigures…fair do’s. I suppose.

But then I got into searching for loose minifigures.

You know like maybe buying in a good few Stormtroopers or something. Maybe to do something like this:

"Infiltration" by Chris McViegh (click the photo to see this and his other work)

To be honest, I wasn’t that bothered by the high prices of the sets. Hours of fun, longevitiy in lifespan of product, it’s fucking Star Wars! etc. When I saw the price of some of these fucking loose minifigures, however, I was appalled.

Not so much at the audacity of the sellers but at the brainlessness of the folk who would buy the things.

I mean, look at this…

Jango Fett - £99.95! Doesn't even have a fucking visor in his helmet!

not even bagged mind, 2nd hand from a lego set that you could buy for £85 and it’s on “sale” for £99.95…on it’s own. A 4cm plastic figure, not boxed (so any “mint condition” tag is ropey at best) for about £15 more than that very same figure in a full lego set that you can build up and is boxed so if you don’t open it it stays “mint” forever.

Is it just me that doesn’t see how folk can justify buying the single figure over the full kit?

Same with Boba Fett (I’m sure I saw one advertised at $1000 but couldn’t find it again):

Boba Fett. Who'd have thought it'd cost so much to aquire a bounty hunter? Wonder what the minifigure of "Dog" goes for?

Loose minifigure at £89.95 is about £11 more expensive than the full lego set with the character in it.

I think what gets me about it is this, this is where Star Wars geeks/fanboys get a bad name. You know what I mean, the sad types that sit in there homes with shelves upon shelves of unopened toys, models, etc. Saving up any spare cash from their PC helpline jobs to buy another toy etc that wont be used for the reason it was created, wont be played with…

Do I have to get all Toy Story 3 up in here? Well, do I?

On the other hand, maybe I’m being too precious with the term geek. Maybe I just want to keep the term, as it applies to me, on the cool side of the social divide when, in all likelihood, I am probably just deceiving myself and possibly setting up the wee lad for ritual humiliation regarding love of Star Wars later in his life.

Maybe the eldest has the right idea and it’s time I got “too cool for school” aswell.

Well, if that be the decision I think I’ll start by buying this:

Check that badboy out. If I wore this no-one would fuck with me. No-one!

Now that fucker is awesome, there is no one cooler than the Fett and having a lego Boba Fett outfit would make me the coolest dude in the hood.

Er, I’ve run out of things to say on this topic, I feel like this is the moment in the post where the AT-AT Walker, in a comedy call back to a previous Family Guy episode, falls over and hurts its knee, grabbing at the injury to numb the pain and saying “Aaah” multiple times and lasting way longer than is funny but yet you still laugh…

(and what the fuck is up with that video title? “Robot Camel”??)

Malc

——-

Oh, I almost forgot. The wee lad had a few friends round after his party on Sunday. One of them was talking about his forthcoming party, a fancy dress effort. He stated how he had a full Stormtrooper outfit to wear and I went…wait for it…

“Aren’t you a little short for a Storm Trooper?”

Not one iota of recognition from the boy or his mum or my missus. Not one.

I felt wholly unsatisfied at that moment and, in the end, had to high five myself!

FML

——-

*apologies, that just may have been too obtuse a simile but it did make me snigger a bit – leave a comment if you need me to elaborate.

Wheel, Wheel. He Finally Did It!

A different kind of post today.

After almost an entire year of having his bike the wee lad, finally, has learned to go it without stabilisers.

He’s only “ridden” the thing about 3 times since we bought it last year. Turned out, even after trying him on it at the store, the thing was a bit too big and heavy for him to manage.

Being highly adept at turning my hand to new skills and not fearing anything, except “…not being there!”, I figured he’d be like me and just sit on it and go.

Da  Bodyguard

Costner "being there" to save Whitney from the animal fists of Bobby-to-the-Brown. Pity he wasn't there to save her from skanking out on the junk. Still 1 out of 2 isn't bad.

Alas, it was not to be.

Bought stabilisers for it and took him out. Boy was terrified! Would cycle no more than, say 1 mph, and swaying horrendously to one side only to over-compensate and bounce to the other side with a wail of terror.

Today, though, we decided to take him down the park for one last attempt before just selling the bike to Big Mike – an Oopma Loompa we know that lives down the road from us – and be done with it.

Lo and behold, 2 exhausting hours later (well, exhausting for me anyway as the missus just sat under a tree playing Scrabble on her DS Lite while I kept up a steady run behind the bike, lying to the boy saying: “Yes, I’m still holding on,” *puff, pant* “just keep pedalling!”) he doth cycle.

Result.

And all it took was a promise of a new toy if he did the deed.

So, I may be £12 out of pocket but at least I can walk down the street, head held high. No more embarrassed excuse making when folks with kids 3 years younger than mine say “Sorry? He can’t ride a bike?” and stifle a laugh.

Fuck you people like I just described in the above paragraph which preceded this sentence. Fuck you.

Yeah, fucking Horatio has my back!

Malc